What do you think?..my version

I read a great blog, Me and My Vampire. On March 7 the blogger wrote an interesting entry called "So what do you think?". For those of you who aren't interested in reading it, she is talking about a friend of hers whose husband is doing some "fishy" things. She then talks about her marriage being her last serious relationship. If her marriage ended she would never marry again nor live with anyone. This got me thinking about my "relationship" with Greg.

We had just passed our 5 year anniversary of "dating" before this latest debacle occurred. In my eyes this relationship took some interesting turns during its history. During the first two years, all Greg had to do was snap his fingers and I would have married him or lived with him. But he didn't snap. Around year 3 my life got turned upside down. I took on a new responsibility in taking care of my grandson, Aaron, who suffered from Shaken Baby Syndrome. That lasted for 10 months. It was during this time that Greg started his "online" affair with Carla Coe. They became fast friends. They said things that they shouldn't have, a lot of really not so nice things about me. It became a big joke in their little "chat" group. I used some not so "kosher" methods to find all this out (which I regret for a number of reasons). I basically told him - Her or Me. Which he chose me but lied about his continuing relationship with her and still lets me know this without really "telling" me.

Onward..... This broke that undying trust and confidence I had in him and our relationship. I could NEVER get over it. I was totally devastated. I mean, he was my soul mate and he turned his back on me in order to become "friendly" with a person whose father is famous (her dad is David Allen Coe). We continued the relationship but it certainly had changed. As time progressed the relationship turned into a weekend distraction, boring and routine. We saw each other on the weekends, not really going anywhere or doing anything. Ahh but I think back on all the fun we used to have! Concerts, tatoo conventions. My most memorable: Nascar in Texas and the yearly Bluesfest in Tulsa! Just to name a few. Time goes on....

Now he has stared a new "debacle." Which, in his now usual way, he did without me. Something that should never be done without one's significant other. This time I reacted differently. I wasn't overwhelmingly angry as I was with the Carla Coe incident. It was more of a "sigh and shake my head. He really did it this time." And really for no good reason. But now I'm sure he will be pleased to continue this debacle without worrying about me not liking it.

So I come back to the point of marriage/living together. In the first two years, I was a shoe in after that no one could convince me to do either with him. And now? Now, I'm on my own again. Looking to myself for comfort and happiness. Will I miss him? You bet. I still swear that I will never, ever find someone who fits with me so well. He definitely was/is my soul mate. We have so much in common and so many wonderful memories of good times! I will never have those adventures again nor anything liken to them. I guess now is the time for adventuring on my own.

Am I angry? Not really. Its not even close to the anger I felt with the earlier incident.
Am I disappointed? Yes, probably more than a little.
Am I sad? Definitely. That such a good thing would go so bad.
Have I been the perfect companion? Hardly. Believe me, Greg would be quite eager to tell you of all my shortcomings, faults, bad habits, sloviness. He's certainly told me about them plenty of times.

But life goes on.......

Odi et amo! Quare id faciam fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior
Cattulus 85

Translation:
I hate and I love! Why do I do it perhaps you ask.
I do not know, but I feel it is happening and I am on a cross.

Merry Meet and Blessed Be!
Jill